two of my poems i wrote a few months ago.

[killerrose]

This poem is called Not Now, Not Ever. Hope you enjoy
Why do dads love to leave there girls
Alone with mommy
She cares for her daughter, at least one parent does
And hates to see her baby girl cry
All she wants is her daddy to see her just once
It has been 17 years and no sign of her daddy
If only he had wrote just one letter that is all she cares about
Is getting a letter saying he wants to see her, and loves her
All she wants is to hear his voice on the telephone
Or in person would be better
But she talks to her mom to get in touch with him
To see if he wants to be in her life,
But what difference would that make, now
Or if he just don’t want to be in her life
Not now, not ever
Now she has little brothers who get to see their daddy
Every day, all the time
And it hurts inside
Because she will never get that
Not now, not ever
Would her life be different if he had never gone away
And just stayed so he would have a daddy’s girl
Would she be daddy’s little girl or just be mommy’s
But she will never know
Not now, not ever
All she wants to know if her daddy loves her or hates her
She really wants to write him a letter and send it
If she had his address
But she don’t know what to say in it
If she should tell him about her moms new husband
And her brothers
Or just ask him to visit and call
But she will never know
Not now, not ever
Mommy always says don’t worry about that
But you cant you really want to know how your daddy is
Is he a drunk, a failer
Or something great someone who she could look up to
That is her problem she never knew her daddy
Not now, not ever

This one is called Hello Daddy
Hello Daddy
Its been a long never met you before and Ive
got somethings I gotta get
off my chest Im
breaking
into a million little pieces and Im
aching. Nothing will dull the pain
Theres an eternal hole where
your love should be but
instead there is no love for.
I am
drowning in this damned regret
forever thinking some things wrong with me but there
isnt. So trust me
I will
waste no more tears on the
forgotten. I will
spend no more day dreams on that
which doesnt exist
All I will do is get mine and
let you get yours so that one day
I can take it all away. Just as
youye taken everything away from me
Takin everything away from me without saying a word. Because
its been a long
never met you before so I'll
sing my lonely, melancholy song until that
faithful day that I have to stand dead before God with all my anger
and say

Hello Daddy

Please give me some feed back

[Anagaharad]

Feedback: stick to softball.

[dark_star_18]

Grow the hell up! These are deep poems and just because you're to shallow to see that doesn't give you the freakin' right to tell someone to freakin' "stick to softball"!

Sorry killerrose... some people are just ignorant.

[Anagaharad]

grow up? I'm a decade older than you are, honey.

And I still stick to my original verdict: You should stick to softball if that is what you are good at.

Good poetry is hard to come by and even harder to do. You cant just have diarrhea of the keyboard and call it a poem.

Also, if you ask for feedback that kinda DOES give me the freakin' right to tell someone to freakin' "stick to softball"!

[killerrose]

im not good at softball, i just like playing it. My passion is writing stories and poems and cakes. I wrote those from the heart, what I went and still going through. i know im not that good but come on, there still good. Those are the only ones that truely mean something and NO ONE has read them before, so it took a lot of guts to put them on here for me.

[l3aby Satan]

Everyone is allowed one angry poem about themselves and their life. Yeah. It's sort of frowned apon. But we all have to do it at some point or another.

Look Anagaharad I don't agree or disagree with your comment " You should stick to softball if that is what you are good at.

Good poetry is hard to come by and even harder to do. You cant just have diarrhea of the keyboard and call it a poem."



As much as you may hate me for saying this there is no need for fighting. It's really pointless. Your poem didnt seem much like a poem. Seemed more like an angry story and as my law teacher loves to say "verbal diaherra" in this case you kind of did. You have a lot of potential and I wish you the best of luck.

[durgarox]

Ok, writing is kinda my thing too, not so much poetry but stories and essays. That said, I have SOME experience writing poetry, and more experience EDITING poetry.

Here is what you need to do if you are serious about writing: READ. Read a LOT. Read every kind of poetry you can get your hands on. Learn to use poetic devices; they are bloody useful when it comes to shaping "word vomit" into something readable. Rhythm is your friend, but if you insist on using blank verse, keep it short, and keep it focused.

Also, you really need to check your spelling and grammar. Get a beta or two to help you proof your work, and give you consistent feedback throughout your process. this one goes for stories as well.

If you don't care enough to go through the trouble, thats fine too. Lots of people just write for therapy, and don't really care about the quality. But if that's the case, I'd advise keeping your stuff to yourself.

[Usual_Suspect11]

The subject matter is sound but the execution is lacking. No rhyme. No rhythm. No flow. Sentences arranged in poem format, a poem does not make. Emotional outburst/pondering, however, it does and like Durgarox said sometimes those are best kept to yourself if you don't want them to be critiqued.

[new_death_arise]

im not good at softball, i just like playing it. My passion is writing stories and poems and cakes.



..You can write cakes?

[Kenna]

I wouldn't neccessarily say it's needs a rhyme scheme, but it definitely needs flow.

Maybe it would work better as a piece of prose?

Or perhaps you should just give it to Good Charlotte for production.
I'm sure they'd appreciate some new material for their next whiney album.

Suggestions:

Avoid cliche subject matter. Unless you put a new spin on an overdone topic, don't even touch it.

Don't write something for others to relate to. The best work is never "relatable."

Avoid words like pain and eternal. Cliche and unoriginal.

Every word in a poem counts. There are no unimportant syllables. Make it count. Put a lot more forethought into your work and it might become poetry someday.


Good luck,

-Kenna

[dark_fairy]

Just bad.

Sorry, but it really was. I've gotta agree with everyone else it didn't flow and did just sound like a big rant.

[Usual_Suspect11]

Don't write something for others to relate to. The best work is never "relatable."

-Kenna

That is the most pretentious thing I have ever heard. If a poem isn't relatable then it's pointless.

[Kenna]

Excuse me? Is it "pretentious" to be original or personal?

Poetry is supposed to be an expression of the inner self. A good poet doesn't write what everyone feels. He/she writes what he/she feels. If you twist a concept until everyone else understands it, then chances are you haven't inspired any kind of reaction in the reader because the reader has already felt, written, or experienced the same thing. It's about telling your story, or your oppinion, or your perception.

[Usual_Suspect11]

To be original and personal is not to be unrelatable. The experience of every single human being is the experience of the entire human race and therefore is essentially relatable. Poetry is about the human connection and to write an unrelatable poem is to undermine its very purpose to convey emotions that others can sympathise with. Truly, poety is the rehashing of the same basic concepts over and over again; sadness, joy, humor, love, death, ect.. Are we not moved by every love-lost poem we read? We don't chuck it in the bin just because Poe did it before.

Really, just stop being cynical. It wasn't a bad concept although the execution was flawed. You attack the very essence of her emotions and that is not fair. Emotions are always valid, be they a "cliche" or not. She is telling her own story, her own opinion, her own perception. The fact that hundreds of others feel the same way is even further proof that the topic is important.

[500024]

that has been put through a lot of thought is it all true